


How to Seduce Your Nemesis

by Stacysmash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Divergence, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, don't expect this to be serious, heroes/villains, it's extremely ridiculous, it's got a Batman vibe, rating for sexual humor, shiratorizawa may make an appearance, ushioi month week three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:29:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19831216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stacysmash/pseuds/Stacysmash
Summary: Ushijima’s vision returned to him slowly and the more he became aware of his situation, the more the pain set in. His head was throbbing, making him nauseous and beyond that, his whole body seemed constricted by some sort of thin rope. He peered through the darkness and he could just make out that he was in an upper room of a warehouse, gazing out a large broken window overlooking the docks on the edge of the city. The strangest thing, however, was that the entire room was covered in vines and flourishing plant life.





	How to Seduce Your Nemesis

Ushijima’s vision returned to him slowly and the more he became aware of his situation, the more the pain set in. His head was throbbing, making him nauseous and beyond that, his whole body seemed constricted by some sort of thin rope. He peered through the darkness and he could just make out that he was in an upper room of a warehouse, gazing out a large broken window overlooking the docks on the edge of the city. The strangest thing, however, was that the entire room was covered in vines and flourishing plant life.

The rope pulled tighter and Ushijima clenched his teeth, breathing through the sharp pain cutting into his arms and chest. He looked down at his bindings and since his eyes had finally adjusted to the dark, he found that the rope he was tied up with was actually vines. Exceptionally strong vines. 

A devious chuckle danced across his ear but when he turned his head toward it, nothing was there. Goosebumps prickled his skin, every one of his senses alerting him that he was being watched but he couldn’t tell from where. He licked his lips and tried wiggling his hand out of its bounds. If he could just reach his watch, he could signal one of his cohorts for assistance.

“Looking for this?” a voice made of pure velvet asked as his watch hung in front of his face. Ushijima relaxed in his disappointment. There was no point fighting when he’d already lost, but perhaps there were other ways out of the situation.

“Be careful with that. It was a gift.”

“From the old man, I know. What do you think Washijo-san would think if he could see his ward now? Not like you to be tied up and helpless.”

The voice was growing familiar the more it talked. At first, it seemed almost inhuman, but he would know that teasing tone anywhere although he dreaded the truth of it.

“I’m sure he would yell at me and tell me to get off my ass, defeat the bad guy or I will suffer to do a thousand laps around the manor.”

His captor huffed a laugh and shuffled behind him. His voice had a lightness to it, playful even, but it didn’t match the way his feet dragged heavily across the floor. At least, he assumed they were feet. 

“I’m sure that’s exactly what he’d say if you were to ever see him again. Shame that when he finally finds your body, it’ll be too late to lecture you.”

“I see. Am I to have the chance of knowing my murderer before you finish the job?”

“Oh, you haven’t guessed yet? I suppose you wouldn’t jump straight to the right conclusion considering these,” the voice whispered against his ear, allowing his soft lips to barely caress it. He placed a hand on Ushijima’s shoulder and rubbed it across his chest. It looked like a normal human arm until it began to shift shape, the forearm splitting into what seemed like two branches twisted together and sharpened bamboo shoots stretched out from the fingers.

“Is it horrifying, Ushiwaka?”

Ushijima pressed his lips together, his chest gripping with the fact that he could no longer deny his worst fear; the identity of his captor. “Your gifts do not horrify me, Oikawa. If you hadn’t bound me so tightly, I would have liked to admire you and your abilities.”

“Tch. I don’t want your admiration,” Oikawa spat and in a fluid movement, he swept around Ushijima to stand before him. He didn’t look like Oikawa as he knew him, the devastatingly handsome socialite who enjoyed nothing more than to flirt with Ushijima at every gathering they bumped into each other at. His smooth skin was rough like bark, and his eyes were dark and fathomless beneath curled stems of delicate leaves making up what used to be wavy brown hair. His face, however, still resembled the shape and characteristics of Oikawa’s, even down to his chin as he tilted it up with a sneer.

“What now? Disgusted by my true appearance?”

“Hardly. I always liked trees,” Ushijima replied honestly as he glanced down at the rest of Oikawa’s body, dressed in slacks and a white shirt with half the buttons undone. Instead of the high-gloss shoes he typically wore with such an outfit, his _feet_ were bare, spilling out the bottom of his pants and stretching out across the floor like gnarled tree roots. 

Ushijima’s face was forced back up, the bamboo fingers scraping painfully against his cheeks. Oikawa’s face hovered in front of Ushijima and slowly began to transform into his more human likeness. It wasn’t like him to stare at Ushijima with such contempt and restrained rage. The whole effect made Ushijima feel uncomfortable; it was as if he was seeing another person wearing Oikawa’s face. He always had the sense that Oikawa wasn’t being totally forthright with him, but he never would have guessed it would be something like this.

“If I’d known how easy it was to seduce you with my natural abilities, perhaps I should have brought them out sooner. Of course, it would have opened up a slew of questions I wasn’t prepared to answer just yet.” He paused to run his eyes over Ushijima’s body, flicking the lapel of his tux with his long, sharp fingers. With a mischievous giggle, he slipped onto Ushijima’s lap to inspect him closer. “I stood you up tonight, didn’t I?”

“Yes, I was at Sawamura’s party and you were supposed to meet me.”

“I showed up eventually, although not in the way you expected. I should send Sawamura a note that I’m sorry for crashing through his window to drag you away.”

“I’m sure he’d appreciate that. Why did you do that?”

“I needed to make a statement to the world, kidnap a world-renowned philanthropist in public and let his body wash up on shore the next morning. So much for the great Masked Eagle keeping the citizens of Shiratorizawa safe.”

“Ah, yes. Perhaps he’ll still rescue me before you kill me off.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes. “I _know_ you’re the Masked Eagle, Ushiwaka. I’m not stupid.”

“Oh. Since when?”

“Since always! Why the hell do you think I targeted you in the first place? Must suck to be so rich and powerful, only to be played for a fool.” Oikawa laughed, a cruel sound that didn’t fit at all with the person Ushijima knew. 

It hurt to find out that Oikawa wasn’t really interested in him. He was the first person in a long time to catch Ushijima’s eye, mesmerized by his charisma and playfulness. Ushijima usually preferred his own secret identity to his public one, saving helpless individuals from terrifying situations. He despised all the pomp and circumstance of his public image, a wealthy businessman who had inherited his parents’ company and fortune. Oikawa was like a breath of fresh air at the stuffy functions he was required to attend. Even as Oikawa smirked down at him with his soft lips curling in a smirk, Ushijima was still hopelessly captivated by him.

As he opened his mouth to continue with another cruel speech, Oikawa froze, shifting slightly on Ushijima’s lap as his eyes dropped down the front of Ushijima’s tux and past his belt. “I _know_ I removed all the weapons from your body before tying you up. But please tell me that’s a gun in your pocket.”

“No, it is not. It’s an erection.”

“Why the hell would you have an erection?! You don’t know where you are, you’re tied up by someone you thought you could trust, and you have no hope of escape!”

“Yes, I suppose I have what’s called a kink. Tendou will be happy; he always said I was probably more twisted than most people assumed. Even _I_ always believed I was boring when it came to sexual intercourse, perhaps I just need to— you know, you should really stop wiggling like that. You’re only making it worse.”

The sharpened bamboo shoots jutting out from Oikawa’s fingers retracted until his digits resembled a human’s again. As soon as they were normal, Oikawa pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly, the air hissing between his teeth.

“It seems you don’t really understand the predicament you’re in, Ushiwaka. Do you even hear me when I said that I’m planning on killing you?”

“Considering my vulnerable state, you could have done that already. Especially when I was blacked out.”

“I couldn’t just kill you! I needed to explain why I’m doing it. To laugh in your face as you stare at me, horrified, that I betrayed you.”

Ushijima frowned. “You betrayed me?”

Oikawa let out a frustrated scream as he buried his hands in his hair and pulled at it. “How can you be so stupid?! Everything I’ve ever told you was a lie!”

“Then, those baked goods I had delivered to your office as a gift… you didn’t enjoy it?”

“I— Ugh, yes I did enjoy them. I wasn’t lying that I liked milk bread. But that wasn’t even a real office, it’s just a front.”

“Oh, well as long as you enjoyed them.”

“I’m not even a fellow millionaire like you are.”

“I am a billionaire.”

“I’m not that either! I’m a thief with dreadfully evil powers and as soon as I kill you, I’m going to sneak into your manor and ransack it for all its worth.”

“You’re actually going to kill me? I truly thought that you liked me.”

Oikawa threw back his head and laughed, the sound so vicious it hardly sounded like a laugh at all. “Like you? I hate you. You’re an ass without any real feelings except what they tell you to have, like a robot. All you heroes think you’re so above it all, but you have no idea how the rest of us live. You save a few people here and there and wave-like celebrities at the crowd as you step over us that are lying in the gutter.”

His voice trembled with his anger but there was something odd about his speech that drew Ushijima’s attention. It sounded almost rehearsed, not like someone had told Oikawa what to say but something more like a mantra. As often as Oikawa probably said those words to himself, it was almost as if he was fighting them even as they tumbled out of his mouth.

“You don’t really believe that.”

Oikawa’s lips sneered as he shuffled further up on Ushijima’s lap. His fingers curled tight around the lapel of his jacket and pressed their chests together. “I don’t give a _fuck_ what you believe. This is reality. Maybe you’ll finally get it through your thick skull when I throw you out that window and laugh as you plummet into the sea.”

“I’ve never looked down on others for having nothing because I know what that feels like. You know that I do.”

Oikawa didn’t respond, his lips twisting with agitation. Ushijima gazed at them, remembering just a few nights ago at the gala when they had almost kissed. Even then, he could see the conflict in Oikawa’s eyes, holding back from a kiss Ushijima could tell he wanted. If he was truly playing Ushijima, he would have had no difficulty leaning into the kiss and further wrapping Ushijima around his finger.

“More than anything, Oikawa, I don’t think that you actually hate me.”

Ushijima hissed as the vines tightened, a new one curling around his throat and compressing it just enough to make it difficult to breathe. It wouldn’t take much to cut off his air supply completely. 

“You poor fool, I really did a number on you, huh? Sorry to disappoint you but hate is the only emotion I feel for you.”

“If you really believe that, then it seems you have overlooked one important detail.”

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Oikawa laughed, cocking his head as his smirk grew wider.

“You have an erection as well.”

Oikawa closed his eyes, his breath shuddering as he tried to contain his boiling rage. “That’s not an erection. That _is_ in fact, a gun.”

“I know what a gun feels like and that’s not it.”

“Would you know what a gun feels like against your dick?!”

“Perhaps you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

A laugh burst from Oikawa’s mouth before he stifled it with a cough. Ushijima smiled. Oikawa’s frigid exterior had cracked, showing him a glimpse of the warm sense of humor he had seen many times before. He knew it was real, it had to be.

“Well, for once you’re right. It’s not a gun but obviously, I have vines sticking out everywhere. That one just happens to be swelling in my pants.”

Ushijima glanced down at it and quirking an eyebrow. “I wonder why you would have a vine in that particular spot, especially in a shape that looks exactly like an erection? Whatever it may be, I certainly don’t mind it.”

Oikawa growled and yanked on his jacket, pulling Ushijima’s face close to his own. “Listen, you son of a bitch! I am not attracted to you and right now, I’m going to kill you. And _then_ , I’m going to steal everything from you and run away to be happy.”

“Did I do something to upset you? Or was it another hero? Someone wealthy? Oikawa, I care about you and if you had a difficult past, I’m very willing to listen. Just open up to me,” he whispered, tilting his head as he hovered his parted lips over Oikawa’s. For a moment, all Ushijima could feel was Oikawa’s warm breath puffing against him. All he could see was his large, brown eyes, flickering over Ushijima’s face frantically as he struggled with himself. 

Just when he thought Oikawa was going to relax, give into Ushijima’s tempting offer and kiss him, his expression hardened.

“You want to listen? Well, listen to this!” 

Oikawa’s fingers lengthened and gripped hard on Ushijima’s shoulders. With an anguished yell, Oikawa lurched backward and hurled Ushijima, and the chair he was tied to, out the open window, releasing him to his fate. The world blurred around him, cold air rushing past until he plunged into the icy water. What breath he was able to hold before was punched out of him by the hard smack of the surface and the vines holding him to the chair refused to budge as he rocked from side to side. Darkness swallowed him the further he sank, and Ushijima stopped struggling, knowing that it was useless. 

He was just beginning to struggle from the lack of air when his mouth was forced open by a piece of metal secured in his back molar. The miniature bit of machinery expanded until it covered Ushijima’s mouth and nose completely like a mask. A stream of bubbles slipped from it and Ushijima was finally able to breathe again. 

He had thought Washijo was paranoid when he had the tech installed in his tooth, or maybe it was his own trepidation at having extensive dental work done. Regardless, he was grateful for the moment that he had relented. The breathing mask would work for a while and when it was activated, it most likely sent a distress beacon to Washijo. Help would be on the way soon, allowing Ushijima to wallow in his misery as the chair drifted to the seafloor.

He wasn’t one to brag, but it wasn’t often that his instincts were incorrect. Of course, he didn’t know everything about human nature. Tendou made fun of his inability to read social cues, a travesty for a hero and celebrity to have as a quirk.

It wasn’t the fact that he was wrong that depressed him, however. It was known for certain that Oikawa didn’t care for him. Not only was it obvious at that point that he wasn’t attracted to Ushijima, but to hate him so much that he would kill him? That hurt Ushijima more deeply than any knife. He would know, suffering many healed stab wounds on his body. 

He was able to breathe easily but the cold was seeping into his bones. His mind was growing darker than the murky waters around as the moments passed. He was so consumed that he hadn’t noticed the water churning around him as vines flowed around him. It was startling when one accidentally smacked him in the face and then suddenly, he was being pulled up through the water at an astonishing speed. 

He kept his eyes squeezed shut against the water rushing past him until his body broke past the surface. Jerking his head back to flip his sopping hair out of his eyes, he gaped bewilderedly around at the tendrils tugging him toward the shore. The frigid water had already taken quite a toll on him, however, and it was difficult keeping his eyes open as his head hung limp with exhaustion. 

As soon as the chair scraped up the strip of beach underneath the docks, the ropes holding him to it tore away and his limp body was carefully set on the sand.

“Ushijima?” a voice whispered urgently as his face was forced toward it. Oikawa’s eyes were wet with tears as he leaned in to press their lips together when he stopped, staring down at him in shock. “What the hell is that?!”

“Mmm?”

“This!” he shouted as his finger poked at the metal encasing half his face. Ushijima hummed again and prodded around the metal until his finger pushed in on the right button. The breathing mask retracted all the way back into his mouth in the blink of an eye, becoming as nondescript as a filling. 

“Sorry.”

“Sorry?! I thought you were drowning!”

“You were the one who threw me into the water.”

“I know, I know, but I regretted it as soon as it happened. And then I searched and couldn’t find you; I thought for sure you were dead.”

“Were you, before you noticed my mask, going to perform CPR on me?”

“Yes. Thank god I noticed it before I smashed my mouth on that freaky looking thing. It would be like making out with Hannibal Lector.”

Ushijima smiled as Oikawa choked out a watery laugh. It had been a dramatic evening, being kidnapped, discovering the man he was interested in dating was plotting to kill him, thrown in the ocean. Whatever sense Ushijima might have had in normal circumstances was completely obliterated as he reached his hand up to caress Oikawa’s hair back from his face. 

“No more Hannibal. It’s just me now,” he whispered, leaning up to brush his cold, shivering lips against Oikawa’s warm ones. 

Oikawa whined as he remained stiff in the kiss. He hadn’t pulled away yet, however, and that was good enough for Ushijima. Wrapping his arm around Oikawa’s back, he ushered him closer and opened his lips wider, deepening the kiss. 

Tension melted away from Oikawa’s body and he dove into it. A warm tongue slipped past Ushijima’s lips and he groaned with want. His body was trembling from wearing a soaked tuxedo in the chilled air and all he wanted was to take it off and feel hot skin against his own.

The entire vicinity was filled with an abrasive light, coming from nearly every direction. Oikawa squealed and scrambled off him as they both shielded their eyes.

“Wakatoshi-kun! What are you doing under there?”

“Having an intimate moment, Tendou, obviously.”

A cackling laugh answered him as a tall, slender body blocked a bit of the light. “Tone it down, guys. They can’t see.”

The light dimmed Ushijima rubbed his eyes as spots blurred his vision. When he could finally see again, Tendou was already kneeling in front of him, inspecting him from behind his brightly colored mask.

“Are you alright? We’ve been searching for you ever since that weird tree thing kidnapped you from Sawamura’s party.”

“Ah, that was Oikawa.”

“Huh?” Tendou jerked his head in Oikawa’s direction, taking in his grimy, drowned rat appearance over critically. “And here I thought he was the one to rescue you, although that didn’t make much sense.”

“I did rescue him!”

“After he tried to kill me.”

“But I still tried to save you. I didn’t know you had a mask thingy.”

Ushijima nodded and patted Tendou’s shoulder. “It’s true. He did fish me out of the water.”

“So… he’s good, bad? Do we need to turn him over to the police?”

“That won’t be necessary. After all, they wouldn’t have the facilities to hold someone with his talents. I’ll take him to my place instead.” When both Oikawa and Tendou cocked their heads questioningly at him, Ushijima smirked. “I’ll see to it _personally_ that he comes to justice for his actions.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you will,” Tendou answered dryly and straightened back up with a shrug. “Alright, I’ll leave it to you, but he does owe Sawamura for the broken window.”

“Yes, can you inform him that I will be paying for the damages?”

“I can pay for a fucking window,” Oikawa growled, folding his arms across his chest.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll simply be adding it into your punishment.”

Oikawa didn’t relax his folded arms, but a smile spread across his face when he caught onto Ushijima’s suggestive tone. 

“Oh no, I wonder what cruel fate awaits me at Ushijima manor.”

“I have many _devices_ created simply to discipline naughty villains such as yourself.”

As Oikawa broke out into a fiendish giggle, Tendou recoiled and tossed a set of keys at Ushijima’s chest. 

“I was going to drive you home, but I think I’ll hitch a ride with the others. Eagle One is parked at the front of the warehouse.”

“Thank you, Tendou.”

“I’ll warn Washijo that you’re bringing home trouble and he should hide in his room.”

“Yes, I’m sure he will appreciate that. Have a good evening.”

“Yeah, yeah… you search all night for your missing best friend…” his words trailed off as he wandered away. With a wave of his hand, the lights surrounding them shut off, revealing a few of Ushijima’s team members whispering amongst each other. Before he could speak to them, they snickered and followed behind Tendou, apparently not interested in involving themselves in his mess.

A quiet sneeze grabbed his attention, and he turned to see Oikawa shivering in his own damp clothes.

“Come on, let’s get you dried off.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes and struggled to his feet, offering his hand as soon as he was standing. “You do realize _you_ were the one to be thrown in the ocean, right?”

“Yes, but I do have an exceptional immune system.”

“Ugh, you would.”

Despite his disgust, Oikawa snuggled into Ushijima’s side as they wandered around the warehouse toward Ushijima’s car. It felt natural to wrap his arm around Oikawa’s shoulders, something he had craved to do before they had gotten into this mess. Neither of them spoke until Ushijima pressed the unlock button and guided Oikawa to the passenger side door.

“How did I get here?”

“We walked.”

“No, I mean I’ve been planning on killing you for months. Getting to know you and gaining your trust, all of it was to destroy you and here I am about to get in your car.”

He turned toward Ushijima, all the earlier malice faded from his expression. He seemed so completely lost and bewildered that Ushijima couldn’t resist hugging him tightly. Oikawa was hesitant at first, but after a moment he relaxed against Ushijima and buried his face into his shoulder. Ushijima smiled and rubbed his hand against his back.

“I don’t know what happened to you in your past, Oikawa, but I want to hear about it whenever you’re ready. We can work through this together, and hopefully, you’ll forget about murdering me. At least for the moment.”

Oikawa laughed and pulled back, putting one barefoot into the car. “I guess, for now, I can postpone my plans to destroy you.”

Ushijima beamed and he helped him the rest of the way in. “Looks like the Masked Eagle wins again.”

“Let’s not go too far. Besides popping a boner, you hardly did anything.”

Ushijima chuckled and closed the door. There was a lightness in his step despite the aching muscles, soaked clothes and freezing skin. He was looking forward to what the rest of the evening held.

“Personally, I think my erection was the catalyst that turned the whole situation around. You cannot deny that it was effective.”

“Sorry, Ushiwaka! You’ll have to spend all night proving its effectiveness to me or I won’t give you a lick of credit.”

“Hmm, challenge accepted,” he chuckled, sharing a playful smile with his arch-nemesis next to him. If he didn’t have that villain completely reformed by sunrise, then he wasn’t the Masked Eagle.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to lie, this may be one of my favorite fics that I've written. Well, maybe the shorter humorous ones. Probably neck and neck with my D&D kurodai fic.  
> I hope you all enjoyed it as well, I'd love to hear what you think!


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